My Godson
by thisarylwren
Summary: A look at how Sirius Black felt about his godson, Harry Potter, and his responsibilities and duties to him. Warning: contains spoilers for Order of the Phoenix. [complete]


**Title: **My Godson  
**Author: **SilverDragon**  
Rating: **PG (for some language)**  
Summary: **A look at how Sirius Black felt about his godson, Harry Potter, and his responsibilities and duties to him. Warning: contains spoilers for Order of the Phoenix.  
**Author's Notes:** Upon finishing Order of the Phoenix, my muse demanded I write this.  I have discovered in the past it is not good when I attempt to write something in the wee hours of the morning, so I apologize in advance if you should stumble upon some huge spelling/grammatical mistake.  Also, some of the dialogue used in this belongs to J.K. Rowling and I inserted it in where I felt it fit.  I do not claim those lines.  Nor do I claim the characters of Harry, Lupin, Sirius, or anybody else recognizable.

**PROLOGUE**

Sirius Black knew something was wrong.  He could feel it in the air.  Heart pounding, he swung out of bed and raced downstairs, dimly aware that he was clad only in a pair of sleep trousers.  But he didn't care.

"Moony," he breathed out.  "Lupin.  What's going on?"

His friend turned to face him.  "It's Harry."

"What's happened to Harry?" Sirius was wide-awake in an instant.

"I'm not entirely – "

Sirius grasped his friend by the shoulder, his fingers digging into Lupin's shoulder.  Lupin glanced at the offending hand, but didn't wince.  "Sirius, I was just informed of the news myself.  I don't know what's going on."

Whirling, Sirius bolted to the stairs, charging up them faster than he ever had.  "Where's Arthur?  Where is he?  Dumbledore!  We need to speak with him!  And - " he came flying back down the stairs.  "_Where is Harry?_"

"Sirius – " Lupin started, but Sirius brushed right past him, brandishing his wand and murmuring a few choice words under his breath.

"Sirius, waking the whole household won't help – " Lupin attempted to grab Sirius's shoulder, but the other man was too quick for him.  "The children are still asleep!" Lupin finally cried, in sheer exasperation.

"Sleeping!" Sirius muttered disgustedly.  "It is 9:25!" he shouted, jabbing his wand at the clock.  A few red sparks flew from his wand.  "Who the devil is asleep at this hour?"

"You were," Lupin said, taking in the bags under Sirius's eyes.

"I am not tired if that is what you're insinuating!" Sirius shouted at him.

"Calm down," Arthur Weasley said as he entered the room, pulling off his wearied travel cloak.  "Harry is fine.  I've sent an owl to him – "

Sirius was at Weasley's side in a split second.  "_Where_ is he?  What is going on?"

Weasley took in a deep breath.  "It's the Ministry," he said tiredly.  "The improper use of magic by an underage wizard.  Harry used a Patronus Charm."

Sirius sat down heavily.  "He _what?"  _

"He used a Patronus," Weasley repeated.

"Surely Harry wouldn't – " Lupin started.

"But he did," Sirius said.  He sprang up again and continued his furious pace.  "He's still at the Dursleys, right?  Surely he wouldn't have left - " another thought occurred to him, a memory of what Harry had done the last time something like this had happened.  He swore loudly.  "He's going to leave!"

"I told him not to," Weasley said.  "I sent him a letter by owl – "

"_I_ need to send him a letter!" Sirius said.  "He cannot leave the Dursleys, foul as they are.  There are fouler things about."  He let out a short growl and pointed his wand.  "_Accio quill and parchment."  _

"You think dementors were there?" Lupin asked incredulously.

"Do you think Harry would make a Patronus for the fun of it?" Sirius said.

"Dementors _were_ there," Weasley said.  "Dumbledore told me Figg saw them."

Sirius finished writing a hasty letter, and whistled sharply, a signal to summon an owl.  He quickly attached the letter to the owl and sent him off before turning back to face his friends.  "I need to go there.  Harry needs to see me; I need to help him sort it all out."

"No!" Lupin and Weasley shouted simultaneously.

Sirius's dark eyes narrowed dangerously, but Lupin spoke, "Sirius, it's too dangerous.  It's dangerous for _any of us to go out.  You most of all."_

"Fine!" Sirius snapped.  "Who the hell was supposed to be guarding Harry?"

"Mundungus – "

"I'll kill him myself!" Sirius said, gripping his wand so tightly Lupin was surprised it hadn't snapped yet.

Lupin placed a hand on Sirius's shoulder, feeling the tension behind them.  "Sirius, you're getting too close to this.  Dumbledore will sort it all out.  You should get some rest."

"No – someone needs to go get Harry!"

"That's what we're going to do, boy," Moody growled, suddenly thumping down the stairs.  "Who is causing all this racket?"  His magical eye glared at Sirius before resuming its whirling.  "And you will be going back to bed."

"Nobody is going to tell me what to do in my own house," Sirius said angrily.

"Bollocks," Moody said.  

"You've had me locked in here all summer," Sirius snapped.  "I'm a fighter, not a housecleaner!"  He waved one hand in eccentric circles to prove his point.  "I'm going to get Harry and you cannot stop me!"

"_Slepias!_" Moody roared.  Immediately, Sirius's knees buckled from under him and he fell to the ground, unconscious.  Moody stepped over him and studied his handiwork.  "Lupin, get him back to his bed.  I've used a sleeping charm.  It should last until morning."

Lupin stared at the Auror, completely shocked, but nodded and started tugging.

"Lupin, when you're done with Black, get back down here.  We need to go get Potter."

**CHAPTER 1**

Sirius awoke to the sound of someone screaming.  He lay idly in bed for a moment, wondering whether he was still dreaming and wondering what he should do about the screaming – really it was quite loud – when his memory returned to him.  Something had been wrong with Harry, he had tried to go after him – Moody had placed a sleeping charm on him – 

Sirius threw back the covers and sprang out of bed, but this time, he grabbed a shirt and threw it on himself before racing downstairs.  As he neared the screams, his eyes narrowed angrily.  It was his mother's blasted portrait again.

_Will that thing ever give me a moment's rest? Sirius thought, running faster.  He burst in threw the door, striding straight to the portrait.  He grabbed the open curtain and snarled, "Shut up, you horrible old hag, __shut up!"  _

_Get out of my life! he mentally added._

The woman in the portrait regarded him coldly.  "_You!" she shrieked._

_Yes, me, you fool.  Who else would look you in the face?_

"Blood traitor!  Abomination!  Shame of my flesh!"

_I never wanted your flesh! Sirius thought.  He glowered.  "I said – SHUT UP!" he roared, tugging the curtain back with all the strength he possessed.  Dimly he was aware Lupin was helping him force the curtain back, but in his anger, Sirius could barely see.  But at last, the curtain was closed and the sight of his mother had faded from his vision.  He turned, panting, brushing his sweaty locks of black hair out of his eyes._

_Harry!  _He's safe!_  _He's here!  And this is the first thing he saw?  How disgusting._  "Hello Harry," he said, his voice tight from anger that had not completely abated, "I see you've met my mother."_

He could have recoiled at the disgust on Harry's face.

***

Sirius sighed as he rocked back on his heels, looking intensely at Harry and the tapestry of Blacks.  He had just finished explaining a few of the people present on the tapestry and it seemed as if Harry's curiosity was finally satisfied.  

Harry looked away, staring off at the sandwiches the Weasleys and Hermione were eating.  Sirius immediately predicted the reason for Harry's abrupt change in mood.  "Don't worry," he said quietly.

Harry looked at him, surprised.

"I'm sure they're going to clear you; there's definitely something in the International Statute of Secrecy about being allowed to use magic to save your own life," Sirius said uncomfortably.  He rarely comforted people.  

Harry was slowly shaking his head, "If they do expel me, can I come back here and live with you?"

_He would rather live here than with the Dursleys?  Must be bad indeed, Sirius thought.  _This house would drive him mad, though.  With Kreacher and my mother's constant memory..._he offered a sad smile.  "We'll see," he murmured, although he knew the answer was more like 'no, never.'_

***

"Sirius?"

Sirius blinked blearily and looked towards his door.  "Harry?" he asked dumbly.  "What are you doing here?  It's midnight."

"I'm sorry for waking you – "

"No, it's all right," Sirius said.  He yawned and swung out of bed.  "Is something wrong?"

"What did you mean by 'we'll see?'"

Sirius stared.  "I beg your pardon?"

"This afternoon.  I asked you if I could come live with you and you said that 'we'll see.'  What did you mean by that?  I don't want to return to the Dursleys. I want to live with _you_.  Two years ago," he struggled with his words, "You said that I could."

Sirius tried to think fast and conceive a brilliant lie.  But his mind failed him.  "Er – "

Harry's gaze directed downwards.  "I understand," he murmured quietly.

_No, you don't, Sirius thought desperately.  __I want you to live with me, Harry.  I want it more than anything.  I need someone to laugh with, to live_ with.  But I can't.   You need protection and I alone cannot provide that.  Only your aunt's blood can._  _

"I wouldn't mind this house," Harry said quietly.  "I can learn to tolerate Kreacher."

"Harry – " Sirius said, but then paused.  In the moonlight, he didn't see Harry Potter, a fifteen-year-old boy.  He saw James.  Sirius swallowed hard at the memory of his old friend.  He seemed so real!  "Harry," he repeated, feeling the need to justify the fact that this was Harry, not James.  "It wouldn't be possible."

"But why?"

"You deserve better," Sirius said lamely.

"But I want to live here," Harry said.

"If only wants could shape reality," Sirius said.  "I would like it as well, Harry.  But it wouldn't be possible.  Dumbledore has other plans for you.  Besides," he tried to make his gaunt features look optimistic, but he found them impossible to shape.  "You will not be expelled."

Harry looked dubious.  "I doubt that," he said evenly, but Sirius caught the hitch in his voice.

"I promise," Sirius added fiercely.  "I'll go any length to keep you in Hogwarts.  Now, go to sleep, Harry."

"I'm nervous," Harry admitted.  "I can't sleep."

Sirius looked at him for a moment before making his decision.  "All right," he said quietly.  "I'll help you sleep."  He gently led Harry back to his own bed and helped him under the covers.  "Comfortable?" he asked.

"Yeah," Harry said.  

"_Slepias_," Sirius said quietly, tapping his wand on Harry's shoulder.  Instantly, Harry was in a deep slumber.  Sirius watched Harry sleeping for a moment, wondering how he could look so young and innocent in sleep.  _I wish I could preserve that innocence for when he wakens, Sirius reflected glumly.  With a last look, he turned to leave, closing the door gently behind him – and then stopped short._

"Padfoot," Lupin said.

"You could really give someone a heart attack," Sirius said.

Lupin dragged his eyes up to Sirius's wand.  "You're one to speak," he said quietly.  "I heard you talking to Harry."

"Oh," Sirius closed his eyes.

"Do you really want Harry to live with you?"

Sirius's eyes snapped open and he stared at Lupin incredulously.  "What kind of question is that?" he demanded, trying very hard to keep his voice down.  "Of _course_ I want Harry to live with me.  I would never lie to Harry on this sensitive matter."

"No," Lupin said quietly.  "I'll rephrase.  Do you want _Harry_ to live with you or do you want _James to live with you?"_

Sirius stared at Lupin, unable to form words.

"Well?" Lupin said after a long pause.

"You're mad!" Sirius muttered.  "I know the distinction between dead and alive, father and son, James and Harry!"

"Keep your voice down," Lupin warned, but Sirius jabbed his wand at Lupin's chest and snapped:

"No, _you_ keep your voice down!  Better yet, don't speak at all."

Gently but firmly, Lupin redirected Sirius's wand.  "It has been long since you've felt the need to threaten me, Padfoot."  His voice hardened a fraction.  "I meant no offense.  I only wish the best for Harry – "

"Aha!" Sirius said, "You don't think I can provide the best."

"No," Lupin said quickly.

"Yes," Sirius whispered.  "Of course, I would understand your concerns, Remus.  After all, I've been in Azkaban for thirteen years.  I've killed without anything on my conscience.  Of _course you would be worried.  Sod the fact that I was cleared - "_

"You're not listening to me."

Sirius stopped and bit hard on his tongue.  "Yes?" he grated out.

"He's not James, Sirius.  James is dead."

"I know."

"But you don't believe," Lupin said, deadpan.

Sirius regarded Lupin coolly.  "Well it doesn't really matter, does it?" he asked softly, his voice barely above a whisper.  "He could never live with me.  Voldemort would have to die first.  And even then, Dumbledore would never allow Harry to leave the protection of his mother's blood!"

"You sound very sure of yourself, Sirius Black," a new voice announced.

Both Lupin and Sirius whirled, their expressions guilty.  "Professor Dumbledore," Lupin said, recovering first.  "To what do we owe this pleasure?"

Dumbledore's eyes strayed over both of them.  "I think this is best discussed out of earshot," he said quietly.  "Follow me downstairs."

***

"Are you here to speak with Harry?" Lupin asked.

Dumbledore shook his head.  "It would not be a...prudent action."

"Then why have you come?" Lupin said.

"To speak with Sirius," Dumbledore said, and then turned his gaze onto Sirius.  "You are not, under any circumstances, to accompany Harry to the hearing.  You are not to transform, your are not to transfigure yourself, you are not allowed to borrow any Invisibility Cloak or use any spell of the sort to get in undetected.  You are to stay right here at Grimmauld Place – "

"As I've been doing all summer because there's such lovely scenery," Sirius interrupted, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Dumbledore ignored him.  "Am I understood?"

Sirius glared at Dumbledore.  "But somebody must accompany him."

"Arthur will."

"Weasley?  Then why not me?" Sirius demanded.

"With Arthur, it will be relatively inconspicuous.  Arthur does work at the Ministry.  We cannot start connecting many more people to Harry.  Our movements are being watched.  We must lay low and act as normally as possible." 

"For God's sakes, I'm his _godfather!" Sirius exploded, falling back to a Muggle expression in his anger.  "Why does everyone keep ignoring that?  It's my job to protect Harry - "_

"Sirius, this whole household cares about Harry.  This whole household would give their own lives for him!" Lupin said, half-rising out of his chair.  "You're not alone here."

"I'm sick of this!" Sirius snapped at Lupin.  "You – you've been out all summer.  You've been out on missions, spying, _doing something useful for the Order.  And what have I been doing?  Staying at __home playing the part of a maid!"_

"Sirius!" Dumbledore said evenly, but his voice was firm.  "Calm yourself."

Breathing raggedly, Sirius took his seat.  

"Lupin is correct – "

"Naturally," Sirius said snidely.

Lupin looked down at his friend's bitter tone, but Dumbledore pressed on.  "We need you here, Sirius.  You'll have your own job to do.  Now I must be going.  There are issues within the Ministry I must try to resolve."

"Good night, Professor," Lupin said quietly.

"Yeah, whatever.  Thanks for ruining my night, Professor," Sirius said, glaring angrily at the floor.  But when he raised his head a second later, Dumbledore was gone and only Lupin's serene gaze remained.  Sirius glared at Lupin and strode out of the room.

***

Sirius felt his guts twist as Weasley explained to Harry, "You can wait in my office until it's time for the hearing."  _He's going to look at me.  How can I face his gaze?_  Sirius hastily directed his attention to the plate of pork chops in front of him.  Even so, he could feel Harry's gaze on him, the question behind his eyes.

Mrs. Weasley answered Harry's unspoken question.  "Professor Dumbledore doesn't think it's a good idea for Sirius to go with you, and I must say I – "

"Think he's quite right," Sirius finished for her, his mouth twisted in anger.  He couldn't bring himself to look at Harry, to see the disappointment in Harry's eyes.  He blindly jabbed at a piece of meat with his fork.

"When did Dumbledore tell you that?" Harry asked.

Sirius knew the question was directed to him, but he couldn't bring himself to form words.  So Mr. Weasley answered for him, "He came last night, when you were in bed."

Sirius put the perforated piece of the meat in his mouth and chewed tastelessly.

***

"You're worried."

"How astute!" Sirius said scathingly.  He turned and glared at Lupin.

"Why are you so angry with me?"

Sirius looked genuinely surprised.  "You mean you haven't figured?"

"How can I, when you're shouting at me half the time?" Lupin said flatly.

Sirius took several conscious deep breaths.  "I have not been shouting," he said slowly.  "Very much," he added.  "But I need to speak loudly because nobody around here listens to me."

"What do you want us to hear?  That you're Harry's godfather?  That you're sick to death of this place?  We've already heard all those things, Sirius.  But we can't act upon them.  Our hands are tied; there's nothing we can do."

Sirius fumbled for an answer.  He found none and settled for twisting his lips in an angry snarl, but his heart wasn't behind it.  

"Sirius," Lupin said placidly, "I hate seeing you like this.  It hurts me too.  If I could go out and kill Lord Voldemort, I would.  If I could erase all _their memories so nobody would know you're an Animagus I would."_

"I know," Sirius said, but it was directed towards the floor.  "It's just getting to be too much.  I worry about Harry all the time.  I wish I could help ease his pain."

Lupin sighed awkwardly.  "He'll make it through."

"I hope he does.  He's only fifteen and he's got half the world hating him, half the world loving him.  It must be unbearable – the strain."  Sirius sighed and sank down into a chair, the adrenaline draining from his body and leaving him exhausted.  He rubbed his brow and expelled a breath forcefully.  "I wish I could help him."

"You do help him."

"I wish I could help him more," Sirius said.  "He looks to me to be a father and I can't give him what he needs.  I've been away from society for too long; I can't do more than give him promises I know are impossible to keep."  He drew a hitched breath.  "I told him I could go with him to the hearing."

Lupin sat down.  "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Don't be.  The fault is mine."

The two sat in a constricted silence before Lupin said, "We should go to bed.  Our being exhausted will not help Harry's morale.  He has too much on his shoulders without taking on our burdens."

Sirius nodded and slunk off.  Lupin watched him with tired eyes.

**CHAPTER 2**

Sirius tried to convince himself he was happy.  Harry hadn't been expelled.  _But,_ a nagging voice in the back of his head said, _he gets to escape this place.  And you're still stuck here.  __No.  Don't think that way.  Be happy.  Harry has a future.  He has a second chance._

_But I don't._

Sirius groaned and threw his fist at the wall, wincing as he realized that his outburst of emotion had hurt.  He rubbed his hand ruefully.

"Well now, was that really necessary?" he heard one of the portraits pipe up.

"Shut up," Sirius growled.

"Who, me?" Lupin stepped into the room.  Sirius regarded him thinly.  

"Last year, I saw you twice," he growled, "This _week, I've been seeing you so often it's making my head hurt."_

"I am pleased to spend time in your company as well," Lupin said pointedly.  "Can I help you with your hand?"

"No," Sirius muttered, "The pain helps me deal with the pain inside."

"And why would you feel pain?  Harry was cleared."

"I am grateful," Sirius said.

Lupin raised a dubious eyebrow.

"Fine, I'm not!" Sirius said.  "It's selfish of me, I know, so please do not go into some philosophical tirade, Moony."

"I wasn't about to."

Sirius scowled, unable to find something to rage at.

"You should be happy, Padfoot," Lupin said at last.

"I _am_ happy."

"Then what's with all the sulking?" Lupin said.  "Don't think nobody's noticed.  Harry has asked me many times to find out what's wrong.  He's afraid you're angry at him."

Sirius's head shot up.  "Me, angry at him for triumphing over the Ministry?  Inconceivable." 

"_He's worried."_

Sirius glared at Lupin.  "You make my life so difficult.  Why can't you just let me sulk?  No...you have to make me share my heart?  I spent thirteen years alone, Lupin!  I'm not up to all that bloody sharing stuff anymore."

"The key word is alone," Lupin said.  "You're lonely."

"I am not!" Sirius snapped at him.

"Fine, have it your way," Lupin said patiently.  "The point is, no matter how much you miss him, Harry isn't going to suddenly transfigure into James.  Harry is Harry and the two are quite different, besides their similarity in looks."

"I know the bloody difference!" Sirius said angrily.  "Do you think I'm blind?"

"Yes," Lupin said shortly.  "In your heart, you are."

"I – do – not – think – Harry – is – James," Sirius said.  His eyes darkened with rage and he was shaking, "I am Harry's godfather.  I will not let him fall.  Not on my watch.  That's it.  I'm just trying to protect him."  _And so what if I'm a bit jealous of his future and fortune?  So what if I'm jealous he gets to have some action and I'm cooped up in this lousy house with my infuriating mother?_

"Fine.  Be his godfather.  But then, brush up on your acting skills, Sirius!  You sit by Buckbeak all day long and when you do come downstairs, you're always scowling and glaring.  You rarely talk to anybody unless it's about how crummy your situation is - "

"Get out," Sirius hissed.  "Get out of my room."

"No, I will not leave!  You need to hear this – "

"I said get the hell out!" Sirius roared.  He took a few steps towards Lupin, his disheveled black hair giving him a certain maniac look.

Lupin didn't flinch.  "Sirius."

The sound of his name drew Sirius short.  He stared at Lupin in shock then at his own hands, which were tightly balled into fists.  "Forgive me," he said shortly.  "My tolerance levels have gone down considerably since last year."

Lupin nodded at him, then crossed the room and draped one arm over Sirius's shoulder.  "Well let them come back up!" he said heartily, "You're not alone anymore, Sirius.  My constant – and headache-inducing - presence should more than prove that."

***

"Hello, Harry," Sirius said.

Harry looked up from his perch.  "'Ey," he said then began tracing circles with his finger on the ground near his feet.

"James used to do that," Sirius said, "Whenever he was on a date with Lily."

Harry looked up.  "He did?"

"Yeah," Sirius smiled at the memory.

"That's cool," Harry said, then shifted uncomfortably.  Like James, Sirius thought.

_Was Moony right?  Do I see James instead of Harry?  Sirius pushed those thoughts from his mind and tried to summon a smile for Harry's sake.  It wouldn't come.  "Look, I know you're disappointed in me," he said quietly.  _

"No, I'm not!" Harry said hastily.  "I knew what a risk it would be.  The Ministry is desperately looking for you and to ask you to stroll in their headquarters with me – "

"I promised you – "

"You didn't promise, you only suggested – "

"That's practically a promise – "

"But technically it isn't one because – "

"Will you _please_ let me apologize?" Sirius said.

Harry blinked.  "If you really want to," he said slowly.  "If it'll make you feel any better and if it'll – " he bit his lip and abruptly halted his sentence, but Sirius finished it in his mind.  _If it'll make you pleased with me once more. _

"You've made me proud since the day I first saw you play Quidditch."  The moment the words were out of Sirius's mouth, he regretted the incredibly sappy way they had sounded.  But they were true, he reflected.  Corny, but true.  So painfully true.

Harry looked at him, totally astonished.  "You what?"

"You heard me," Sirius said, swallowing hard.  "You fly so well, Harry.  Your parents may not be around to tell you how proud they are, but I'm around.  I can tell you what James and Lily would have wanted to tell you."

When Sirius looked at Harry directly, he saw tears glimmering behind Harry's eyes.  _Blast.  Did I do anything wrong? he wondered furtively.  "Harry, I..." he groped for words.  Nothing came to mind.  "I'm sorry," he said weakly._

Harry looked at him a moment longer and then began to laugh. He laughed a bit wildly, hiccupping, crying, and laughing at the same time.  Sirius looked alarmed.  "Is something wrong?" he said.

"No," Harry choked out, holding his hands to his side.  "Thank you, Sirius."  Then he dissolved into a set of giggles.  Sirius stared incredulously before feeling the infectious laughter catch him.  A smile slowly graced his weary features and soon he was laughing as well.

It felt good to laugh, Sirius thought.  It felt good to hear Harry laugh.

**EPILOGUE**

"Onto the train now – hurry," Mrs. Weasley said impatiently.

Sirius bounded forward and attempted to hug Harry, but forgot he had paws now and settled for placing his paws on Harry's shoulders.  Harry was laughing again, a sparkle in his eyes.  But Sirius then felt Mrs. Weasley tugging him back, hissing something that sounded vaguely like "act like a dog."

"Go on, Harry," Mrs. Weasley said, one eye on the clock.

"See you!" Harry called out cheerfully, and then turned to meet Sirius's eyes one last time.  He smiled deliberately and mouthed a few words.  Sirius grinned and leapt in the air, watching as Harry went onboard the train.

_Chase them.  Something arose in the dog part of the brain._

_Chase the train?  Why not?  Sirius abandoned all thoughts of cautious thought and threw himself forward, wagging his tail like mad as he streaked after the train, happily chasing Harry, barking at him – he could see Harry grinning, could see his godson laughing at his antics -_

Then the train turned the corner and Harry disappeared from his line of sight.

**The End**


End file.
